WordsWednesday

 

“It’s amazing how a little tomorrow can make up for a whole lot of yesterday.” –J. Guare

 

…well I’m not riding off into the sunset on my train just yet, but so far my blood work has confirmed a pregnancy!!!!! (as have 2 home tests because, how could I not?!) The husband and I are overwhelmed with happiness, it is hard for me to find the words. But, we are also aware that we’ve been here before and while positive pregnancy tests and HCG’s going in the right direction are something to celebrate, they do not promise a baby. So today, we celebrate what we have and look forward to our ultrasound on the 30th. My motto right now is to take this all one day at a time…and thus far they’ve been really great days.

3 down, 6 to go. (But who’s counting?)

Well we’re officially in the 9 day wait.

Transfer day was uneventful. The two weeks prior to transfer I kept having issues with my estrogen level (one day it was 766 and 3 days later it was 94) so my doctor kept changing the number of patches I was wearing and increasing the frequency of bloodwork and eventually he decided to add oral estrogen as well. I found this to be slightly stressful, but at the same time worrying about my estrogen levels served as a fairly simple distraction from worrying about our transfer. (In truth the estrogen number wasn’t that important as my lining was at 12mm and it really only needs to be greater than 8mm). By the day of transfer my number was well above the 200 mark they told me the body needs for implantation so everything worked out with that.

With regards to transfer day: I woke up early, did yoga and tried to get myself in a very relaxed mindset. My transfer was scheduled for 1030am, but the nurse came in at 1025am and told me our doctor had been called upstairs for an emergent ultrasound, so me (and my full bladder) would have to wait. Now, last year is this had happened I am 100% sure I would have been freaking out, complaining about my bladder, getting myself worked-up and anxious….but this year…well I just sat there with my husband quoting lines from ‘The Office’ and when I started to feel uncomfortable from my bladder, we reenacted the Bluth family being chickens on Arrested Development. (Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken!?) Mind you, I recognize this is a very weird way to spend your time, but the husband and I wanted to laugh and these things make us laugh. By the time our doctor came in (closer to 11am) I was still in my happy/calm/Zen place.

When we went into the procedure room for the transfer the nurse commented on my especially full bladder (glad to know I still excel at that hah) and started the ultrasound. When my doctor came in he took over the ultrasound in order to find the perfect spot to have her hold the probe and said “Sorry, I’m going to be a little anal-retentive today…I cannot begin to tell you how hard Meghan here has worked for these embryos.” It was a simple comment, but it meant a lot to me in that moment to know he recognized how important this transfer was for me and Dan.

So here we are 4 days in…research says if one (or two) of these embryos are going to implant they’ve done it by now. So now I spend the week just trying to keep my mind peaceful, my body relaxed and my heart optimistically hopeful. (But if this train could hurry up and get me to Sunday that would be awesome.)

WordsWednesday

 

“Courage is not closing down and denying yourself of hope. Courage is being tender with your vulnerability and acknowledging how much you want it, whatever it is. Courage is also believing in your own strength no matter how it turns out.” –R. Ray

 

 

*Today’s words courtesy of Instagram, I follow this woman’s account which is basically just really inspiring/motivating words and almost fell off my chair when I read these ones. So here I am, moving forward with as much courage as possible for Friday.*

Keeping the train moving…

 

So a lot has been going on over here. All leading up to my transfer next Friday!! Yes, I repeat NEXT FRIDAY!!!

From the IVF end things have been fairly routine: I had my hysteroscopy May 1st: our physician ended up doing an endometrial scratch, D&C and removing a polyp. (I can proudly admit I woke up from anesthesia smiling this time, no tears!) All the biopsies came back benign and at last week’s ultrasound everything looked great. I’ve been on Lupron since May 3rd and started estrogen patches May 14th. Aside from the Lupron induced headaches and the terrible rash I get from the patches adhesive everything has been smooth sailing… (My husband would probably argue this isn’t entirely true, as I’ve been known to cry over ice cream and have more than once cursed at him for not leaving our bedroom windows open the right amount…but this is my blog, so I can pretend my hormonal hysterics aren’t that bad). I start Progesterone on the 28th (the dreaded IM) and transfer is scheduled for June 2nd.

From a personal end I’ve been really focusing on keeping myself in a state of “peaceful positivity”. I’ve been spending a lot of time practicing mindfulness, whether it’s really focusing on my breathing during yoga or settling my mind while meditating I feel as if I’m the most calm and collected I’ve been in a long time. (Of note, I did have a mini-mental breakdown 2 weeks ago which I attribute to a combination of hormones, stress at work and the basic fact that I’m my mother’s child and I was looking at celebrating my 1st Mother’s Day not with her and also my 4th not being a mom while trying to be a mom…so I did what any mature adult does: I booked a flight to Florida and spent 4 days with my family. Nothing comforts me like laughing hysterically with my sister and watching my dad roll his eyes when my mom and I ramble after 2 glasses of wine…) But, now I’m back in my happy, calm, peaceful place.

Dan and I decided to get away this weekend, so we’re leaving for Cape Cod on Friday where we’ll spend 4 days relaxing, eating seafood and drinking wine in our favorite place. He keeps calling it my ‘last fling’ which I really hope is true, but I also know I should just appreciate it for what it is: 4 days of bliss with my favorite human.

This Wednesday is my last scheduled shift at my per diem job for a while. I told my director I just need to really focus on taking care of myself and it’s difficult to do when I’m running like a mad woman in a busy ICU. (Because going 8 hours without eating, drinking or peeing is not healthy). I love being a nurse there, but I know the environment isn’t what I need right now. I’m also lucky enough to have the security that come July or August, when I feel ready to go back to the chaos, my job will be waiting for me.

Dan and I also made a conscious effort to make plans for the summer. We’re going to Florida for our nephew’s birthday and Virginia for our Goddaughter’s Baptism in July, we’ll be in Boston after another nephew is born in August and plan on spending at least one more long weekend in Cape Cod. We’re also doing some things around the house and it’s finally starting to feel like our home. I think there is a silent agreement between the two of us, that while we both hope I’ll be pregnant for all these fun events ahead of us this summer, we cannot stop living if I’m not. Gone are the days when we put our lives on hold waiting for baby.

Last week I went to visit my grandmother and she looked at me and exclaimed “You look good Meghan…better than you have in years.” And while the sting of knowing I’ve looked like garbage more often than not recently hurt a bit, I can also appreciate the compliment my grandmother was trying to give. I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel good about where I am in life. Regardless of what happens with the transfer I feel at peace…I truly feel as if I’ve done everything I could to make this IVF cycle successful. At some point you have to recognize it’s out of your hands…it’s up to science and those embryos now.

So that’s all I’ve got. I hope in a few weeks I’ll be writing about our successful transfer and sharing some happy news, but if I’ve learned anything it’s that I know I’ll survive if not.

Feel free to send any wishes, prayers, positive vibes or whatever it is you believe in our way. This train runs on positivity remember…choo choo.

WordsWednesday

“Some people survive and talk about it. Some people survive and go silent. Some people survive and create. Everyone deals with unimaginable pain in their own way, and everyone is entitled to that, without judgement. So the next time you look at someone’s life covetously, remember…you may not want to endure what they are enduring right now, at this moment, whilst they sit so quietly before you, looking like a calm ocean on a sunny day. Remember how vast the ocean’s boundaries are. Whilst somewhere the water is calm, in another place in the very same ocean, there is a colossal storm.” -N. Gill

Too much…

As you may (or may not) have noticed I’ve taken a little break from blogging…my heart just hasn’t been in it. The truth is, I’ve been struggling…

First: the basics- We met with our physician last Monday to discuss our plans moving forward. I’m starting birth control tomorrow and then adding Progesterone and Estrogen in a few weeks. We scheduled my hysteroscopy for May 1st. We’re looking at either a June 2nd or June 9th transfer (our MD only does Friday transfers and I prefer him doing ours, hence the 7 day window). Our 3 embryos are all really excellent quality, he rated one an A and the other two A+. The husband and I decided to transfer two this time and statistically the odds are in our favor that one of those is going to implant…per our MD a greater than 50% chance actually. So, if we’re looking from a strictly statistical standpoint (says my husband the accountant) the probability is we are going to have at least one child from one of these 3 embryos. So choo choo choo right?!

Wrong.

The fact is, statistic have never dried my tears over the past 3 years when I’ve stared down at yet another negative pregnancy test, statistics have never held my hand when I’ve listened to a genetic counselor or physician explain SMA, statistics have never drawn up the syringe of Follistim or absorbed the initial burn of a Progesterone IM injection and statistics did not wipe my forehead as I lay sweating on the bathroom floor miscarrying our Warrior last year. So how am I supposed to ride this positivity train forward based on statistics…statistics don’t really mean anything to me anymore.

And that’s the problem. When I think with my head, I remember statistics suck and I don’t let myself move the train too far forward. But when I think with my heart, I’m practically planning a first birthday party for a smiling, perfect, towhead baby. And I feel like this train is going to explode from the constant speeding up and slowing down.

This is the struggle I was discussing with my sister, Cait, on Friday. How in the world do I stay positive and optimistic, while also not being too positive or too optimistic because I know nothing is promised. Her response “I cannot imagine how you prepare yourself for something you think is coming, all the while also having to consider it may never arrive…I don’t know how you cope with that.” And really, isn’t that infertility in a nutshell. We spend all this time (and money and energy) preparing our bodies, our homes, our hearts for tiny humans who may never arrive, but we cannot think that they’ll never arrive because negativity is bad for the soul. But you also cannot plan too much, because if you believe in the child-filled future too much and don’t get it…you’ll be devastated. Infertility is learning the language of too much…you cannot hope too much, you cannot feel too much, you cannot want too much, you cannot dream too much…you cannot travel on your damn positivity train too much.

And I’m struggling because I don’t know how much is too much right now. There’s no meter to tell me I’ve reached the perfect level of hopeful positivity and acceptable reality. I don’t know how to judge if browsing baby clothes online is acceptable, but walking through the baby aisle at Target isn’t. I’m not sure if discussing baby names with Dan is okay, but writing them in a notebook is kind of crazy. I can’t tell if imaging walking through my neighborhood pushing a stroller is pleasant daydreaming, but making lists of pros and cons of strollers is delusional. I just don’t know what is too much and it’s destroying me. And honestly, I don’t see it getting better anytime soon…

So, I might not write a lot for now. I think I just need to take some time to try and figure out how to survive the trip on this train. I promise I’ll update the schedule and route as soon as I have updates.

WordsWednesday

“That was the thing about the world: it wasn’t that things were harder than you thought they were going to be, it was that they were hard in ways that you didn’t expect.” –L. Grossman