This is going to be my hardest post to write…not because it’s heartbreaking (it’s not…this is a happy happy happy post), but because I know someone, somewhere will read this is and as happy as they will be for me (because let’s be honest all us infertile ladies root for one another) they will be sad…for themselves. Because my train is moving forward and other trains have stalled…or failed to start…or stopped forever. And I get it…I know what it feels like to look at another train and be so genuinely happy for their passengers, but to also wonder why, yet again, it isn’t your train moving forward.
I’m almost 20 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. I spent weeks 6-12 of this pregnancy on modified bed-rest and after a scare around 14 weeks it has been smooth sailing. We had our mid-pregnancy ultrasound this week and everything was ideal. The doctor who did the ultrasound actually said it could not have been more perfect and I wanted to hug her. I even started feeling our baby move. It’s been surreal and amazing and unimaginably difficult to describe. I’ve actually started to believe that we’ll have this baby…we painted the nursery, purchased some adorable baby outfits and I’ve even switched over to maternity pants (not because I necessarily need them, but boy are they the most comfortable things in the world!) Although I know we’re not completely ‘out of the words’ (my MD told me we can breathe easier once we get to 22 weeks) I feel good about this pregnancy.
There’s a strangeness is feeling like we’ve almost made it off infertility island. I still have nightmares at least once a week that I’m miscarrying where I wake up in a blind panic. I went to my doctors last week because I was having terrible abdominal cramping (round ligament pain is real folks) and I was convinced something was wrong with the pregnancy. The morning of our mid-pregnancy ultrasound I was actually shaking with nerves. These past 3+ years have conditioned me to expect worst case scenario (because let’s be honest that’s often what we’ve gotten) and that feeling hasn’t completely diminished yet. Family members have asked if I’ll start relaxing more now that our ultrasound was great and we’re almost at the 22 week mark…I’d like to say yes, but honestly I don’t know. I certainly don’t want to waste the joy of this pregnancy on worrying something will go wrong, but I’m an anxious person to begin with and I’ve become a little too acquainted with loss and grief.
What I do know is that about 1,000 times a day I rub my starting-to-pop belly and tell our baby girl how much I love her. I am in awe of what the female body can do. I am continually amazed that inside of me is someone my handsome husband and myself (and a team of top notch medical professionals and the most up-to-date scientific interventions) have created. I’m trying to focus on the absolute miracle it is that we’ve made it this far into a pregnancy… It is not lost on me how lucky my husband and I are.
I spend a great deal of time saying thank you to anything and anyone who will listen.
I’m going to be honest, I’m not sure how much blogging I will do moving forward. The truth is this blog was started, and has always been, a way for me to survive our infertility journey. I’m not sure I will find as much comfort and peace in sharing this next chapter of our life, nor do I know if I want to. I have a few posts I’ve been working on and obviously I’ll update through the pregnancy, but someday soon the girl with a gold dress will, God-willing, become the girl in a gold dress and I think that might be the place where this particular train stop.