WordsWednesday

 

“Courage is not closing down and denying yourself of hope. Courage is being tender with your vulnerability and acknowledging how much you want it, whatever it is. Courage is also believing in your own strength no matter how it turns out.” –R. Ray

 

 

*Today’s words courtesy of Instagram, I follow this woman’s account which is basically just really inspiring/motivating words and almost fell off my chair when I read these ones. So here I am, moving forward with as much courage as possible for Friday.*

Keeping the train moving…

 

So a lot has been going on over here. All leading up to my transfer next Friday!! Yes, I repeat NEXT FRIDAY!!!

From the IVF end things have been fairly routine: I had my hysteroscopy May 1st: our physician ended up doing an endometrial scratch, D&C and removing a polyp. (I can proudly admit I woke up from anesthesia smiling this time, no tears!) All the biopsies came back benign and at last week’s ultrasound everything looked great. I’ve been on Lupron since May 3rd and started estrogen patches May 14th. Aside from the Lupron induced headaches and the terrible rash I get from the patches adhesive everything has been smooth sailing… (My husband would probably argue this isn’t entirely true, as I’ve been known to cry over ice cream and have more than once cursed at him for not leaving our bedroom windows open the right amount…but this is my blog, so I can pretend my hormonal hysterics aren’t that bad). I start Progesterone on the 28th (the dreaded IM) and transfer is scheduled for June 2nd.

From a personal end I’ve been really focusing on keeping myself in a state of “peaceful positivity”. I’ve been spending a lot of time practicing mindfulness, whether it’s really focusing on my breathing during yoga or settling my mind while meditating I feel as if I’m the most calm and collected I’ve been in a long time. (Of note, I did have a mini-mental breakdown 2 weeks ago which I attribute to a combination of hormones, stress at work and the basic fact that I’m my mother’s child and I was looking at celebrating my 1st Mother’s Day not with her and also my 4th not being a mom while trying to be a mom…so I did what any mature adult does: I booked a flight to Florida and spent 4 days with my family. Nothing comforts me like laughing hysterically with my sister and watching my dad roll his eyes when my mom and I ramble after 2 glasses of wine…) But, now I’m back in my happy, calm, peaceful place.

Dan and I decided to get away this weekend, so we’re leaving for Cape Cod on Friday where we’ll spend 4 days relaxing, eating seafood and drinking wine in our favorite place. He keeps calling it my ‘last fling’ which I really hope is true, but I also know I should just appreciate it for what it is: 4 days of bliss with my favorite human.

This Wednesday is my last scheduled shift at my per diem job for a while. I told my director I just need to really focus on taking care of myself and it’s difficult to do when I’m running like a mad woman in a busy ICU. (Because going 8 hours without eating, drinking or peeing is not healthy). I love being a nurse there, but I know the environment isn’t what I need right now. I’m also lucky enough to have the security that come July or August, when I feel ready to go back to the chaos, my job will be waiting for me.

Dan and I also made a conscious effort to make plans for the summer. We’re going to Florida for our nephew’s birthday and Virginia for our Goddaughter’s Baptism in July, we’ll be in Boston after another nephew is born in August and plan on spending at least one more long weekend in Cape Cod. We’re also doing some things around the house and it’s finally starting to feel like our home. I think there is a silent agreement between the two of us, that while we both hope I’ll be pregnant for all these fun events ahead of us this summer, we cannot stop living if I’m not. Gone are the days when we put our lives on hold waiting for baby.

Last week I went to visit my grandmother and she looked at me and exclaimed “You look good Meghan…better than you have in years.” And while the sting of knowing I’ve looked like garbage more often than not recently hurt a bit, I can also appreciate the compliment my grandmother was trying to give. I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel good about where I am in life. Regardless of what happens with the transfer I feel at peace…I truly feel as if I’ve done everything I could to make this IVF cycle successful. At some point you have to recognize it’s out of your hands…it’s up to science and those embryos now.

So that’s all I’ve got. I hope in a few weeks I’ll be writing about our successful transfer and sharing some happy news, but if I’ve learned anything it’s that I know I’ll survive if not.

Feel free to send any wishes, prayers, positive vibes or whatever it is you believe in our way. This train runs on positivity remember…choo choo.

WordsWednesday

“Some people survive and talk about it. Some people survive and go silent. Some people survive and create. Everyone deals with unimaginable pain in their own way, and everyone is entitled to that, without judgement. So the next time you look at someone’s life covetously, remember…you may not want to endure what they are enduring right now, at this moment, whilst they sit so quietly before you, looking like a calm ocean on a sunny day. Remember how vast the ocean’s boundaries are. Whilst somewhere the water is calm, in another place in the very same ocean, there is a colossal storm.” -N. Gill