As you may (or may not) have noticed I’ve taken a little break from blogging…my heart just hasn’t been in it. The truth is, I’ve been struggling…
First: the basics- We met with our physician last Monday to discuss our plans moving forward. I’m starting birth control tomorrow and then adding Progesterone and Estrogen in a few weeks. We scheduled my hysteroscopy for May 1st. We’re looking at either a June 2nd or June 9th transfer (our MD only does Friday transfers and I prefer him doing ours, hence the 7 day window). Our 3 embryos are all really excellent quality, he rated one an A and the other two A+. The husband and I decided to transfer two this time and statistically the odds are in our favor that one of those is going to implant…per our MD a greater than 50% chance actually. So, if we’re looking from a strictly statistical standpoint (says my husband the accountant) the probability is we are going to have at least one child from one of these 3 embryos. So choo choo choo right?!
The fact is, statistic have never dried my tears over the past 3 years when I’ve stared down at yet another negative pregnancy test, statistics have never held my hand when I’ve listened to a genetic counselor or physician explain SMA, statistics have never drawn up the syringe of Follistim or absorbed the initial burn of a Progesterone IM injection and statistics did not wipe my forehead as I lay sweating on the bathroom floor miscarrying our Warrior last year. So how am I supposed to ride this positivity train forward based on statistics…statistics don’t really mean anything to me anymore.
And that’s the problem. When I think with my head, I remember statistics suck and I don’t let myself move the train too far forward. But when I think with my heart, I’m practically planning a first birthday party for a smiling, perfect, towhead baby. And I feel like this train is going to explode from the constant speeding up and slowing down.
This is the struggle I was discussing with my sister, Cait, on Friday. How in the world do I stay positive and optimistic, while also not being too positive or too optimistic because I know nothing is promised. Her response “I cannot imagine how you prepare yourself for something you think is coming, all the while also having to consider it may never arrive…I don’t know how you cope with that.” And really, isn’t that infertility in a nutshell. We spend all this time (and money and energy) preparing our bodies, our homes, our hearts for tiny humans who may never arrive, but we cannot think that they’ll never arrive because negativity is bad for the soul. But you also cannot plan too much, because if you believe in the child-filled future too much and don’t get it…you’ll be devastated. Infertility is learning the language of too much…you cannot hope too much, you cannot feel too much, you cannot want too much, you cannot dream too much…you cannot travel on your damn positivity train too much.
And I’m struggling because I don’t know how much is too much right now. There’s no meter to tell me I’ve reached the perfect level of hopeful positivity and acceptable reality. I don’t know how to judge if browsing baby clothes online is acceptable, but walking through the baby aisle at Target isn’t. I’m not sure if discussing baby names with Dan is okay, but writing them in a notebook is kind of crazy. I can’t tell if imaging walking through my neighborhood pushing a stroller is pleasant daydreaming, but making lists of pros and cons of strollers is delusional. I just don’t know what is too much and it’s destroying me. And honestly, I don’t see it getting better anytime soon…
So, I might not write a lot for now. I think I just need to take some time to try and figure out how to survive the trip on this train. I promise I’ll update the schedule and route as soon as I have updates.