So last week was my 30th birthday…now if you remember from last year I’m not one for birthdays, never have been, never will be. They’re just another day. However, this being my 30th (which everyone kept telling me was a BIG one) I opted to do something special for myself…I tried acupuncture. See, I’ve been considering acupuncture for a long time, I get a monthly e-mail from our fertility center inviting me to the acupuncture information session, a lot of the bloggers I follow praise acupuncture-I just could never quite justify spending money on something I wasn’t that sure about (when we have so many other IVF related expenses). BUT I went ahead and booked a session and HOLY SMOKES what an amazing experience! I have never felt more relaxed while also energized in my life. It was like an energy detox…goodbye all that sad/dark/ugly energy…hello happy/bright/hopeful energy. I enjoyed it so much I went back this week…and I have an appointment to go back next week. I may very well become an acupuncture junkie!
The rest of my 30th was pretty uneventful, spoke to some friends and family on the phone, went out to dinner with the husband and visited my brother and his wife in Boston this weekend to celebrate. A relaxed, but happy birthday…exactly how I’d like my 30’s to be.
Of course, thirty did strike a nerve for me…because up until I actually was 30, it seemed like a very crucial year for me. Three (jeez THREE) years ago when the husband and I started trying to have a baby I clearly remember saying to him “Honestly, if we don’t have at least one child by 30 I’ll die.” That’s how naïve, selfish, dramatic and ignorant I was…I genuinely believed not having a child would be, literally, the end of the world for me. But…here I am…3 years later…thirty years old…childless…and my life is not over, my world hasn’t collapsed around me (though at times it seemed as if it would)…I did not die. In a way, it almost makes me sad…to think of the person I was and the way I behaved. I did not just want certain things from life, I expected them. I approached life with a very entitled attitude. I kept a running list of things I thought I did right…and expected the universe to reward me for them. But, let’s be real here: the universe does not give a damn that I’ve never been pulled over or that I always remember my parents wedding anniversary (my insurance company does and my parents do), but the universe…not so much. I cannot spend my time or my energy being mad at the universe when things do not go the way I expect (or want) them to. The fact is this…you can be the greatest person in the world and bad things will still happen to you OR you can be the most horrible monster and good things will still come your way…and that’s life. It’s ridiculous and hard to justify and sometimes unbearable, but it’s all we get.
So my goal for my 30’s is to stop. To stop being angry. To stop feeling resentment for the life I did not get. To stop keeping score. To stop looking for meaning in things that are meaningless or for answers when there aren’t any. And to start. To start embracing the life I have (right now). To start celebrating the victories (and mourning the failures when they come my way). To start living my life by my standards (and not because I think the universe will reward me for being a good person by giving me good things). And to never, ever, ever think that not having something I want is going to kill me…if I learned anything from my 20’s it is that I am so much stronger than anything the universe throws my way.
…and to quote my older sisters Instagram collage for me on my birthday “He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior.” (Also I’ll give a little credit to Confucius…for you know, for saying it first). Now that I’ve conquered myself I am all for conquering IVF round 2 and any (and every)thing the universe wants to try.