On December 31st, 2015 after discovering we only had one viable embryo I wrote my three siblings an e-mail trying to explain how Dan and I were feeling (that was before this blog, now they read how I’m feeling along with the rest of you). In that e-mail I wrote that I was going to give myself until the end of the year to feel bad and then I was going to get back on the positivity train (I thought I was being funny because there was only 1 day left of 2015). My brother wrote back on January 2, 2016 writing “by now the Meghan Positivity Train should have left the station. Choo choo.” I laughed about that concept then, but I have to admit something now…I don’t think I ever got on the positivity train. I think I wholeheartedly accepted our one embryo. I accepted our chances of getting pregnant. Then I accepted our miscarriage. And then I accepted putting our second cycle on hold. I spent a lot of 2016 accepting…but being positive…I honestly did not spend a ton of time on that.
But now…well, something has changed. I feel different. I feel different about our second cycle. I feel different about our marriage. I feel different about my life. I feel optimistic, which is great because I’m looking forward to a lot of changes this year, but, more importantly, right NOW, I feel peaceful, content and happy…truly, genuinely…happy. Sadly, I think I forgot what it felt like to let myself be happy, in the moment, so much of my happiness these part 2+ years has revolved around the future, not the present. But like I said, right now: I am happy.
I’m sure this new found happiness is partially because I’ve embraced a healthier lifestyle: no alcohol, herbal tea, daily yoga, LOTS of reading, meditation…things that last year were foreign to me (aside from the obsessive reading) but that I have really learned to embrace, mostly, from following some other blogs. I also think the handsome husband and I are both more satisfied with our professional lives (we both accepted new jobs in 2016) and certainly happier in our living situation (goodbye three floor rental, hello beautiful new home we own) and we took these past six months to really focus on our marriage (not our infertility) which makes for a healthier relationship between the two of us as husband and wife. I also devoted a lot of time this past year to some personal relationships. I’m significantly closer to 3 dear friends (who I’ve known for most of my life, but like many childhood friendships that go into adulthood we lost touch for a while there) and they have been such blessings over the past year. I’ve also let go of relationships that brought nothing but negativity into my life, I’ve accepted that you do not need to maintain every single relationship because it once mattered a great deal, or more specifically, because I once wanted it to matter a great deal. I’ve learned to appreciate my family more, with my parents and siblings all living out of state, I’ve learned two very important lessons: 1. I can handle life alone, I’m very capable of standing my own two feet. 2. I’m insanely blessed because there isn’t a thing in my life I have to handle alone if I don’t want to. I am overwhelmingly fortunate in the family department. And the last thing: the most important thing (I think): I like myself. This past year has taught me so much about the person I am and the person I want to be. The only way I can really describe it is that infertility has made me a better person.
So folks, this is me jumping on the Meghan Positivity Train, I may be a year late, but I’m excited to see where this train takes me. Choo choo.