In January of this year, I started this blog. I started this blog because my older sister implored me to share my story. I started this blog because infertility was ruining most of my relationships and this was an outlet. I started this blog because I liked putting into words the madness swirling around in my head. But, I must admit: I also started this blog because I was sure I was going to have a baby. I didn’t doubt the process when I started this blog. I didn’t ever think I would have a miscarriage when I started this blog. I saw this blog being a nice distraction on the infertility detour of life, but I expected that in a few months I would post a picture of my smiling face and growing belly in that gold dress, leave a little note of inspiration to any other infertiles who read my journey and then call it a day. Goodbye to the sad girl with a gold dress.
But it’s been a year and I’m not the same person who started this blog.
This year has been a challenge to say the least. I’ve experienced the most profound happiness and the most indescribable grief. I’ve learned a lot about love and loss. I’ve learned how hard it can be to say goodbye, even if you never truly had the chance to say hello. I’ve learned lessons in human kindness and compassion, but also ignorance and selfishness. I’ve learned a lot about strength, acceptance and healing. I’ve found devastating pain in silence…when there aren’t any words to say or heartbeats to hear, but I’ve also found unbelievable peace in words…others and my own. This year has taught me lessons I didn’t want to learn, lessons I didn’t know I needed to learn and lessons I’m still discovering the meaning of.
I’m leaving this year wiser, kinder and more accepting. I think loss can make you bitter. I think not getting what you want in life can make you angry. I think pain can make you hard. I’m proud I didn’t go that route. I’m thankful this blog and the people who read it have reminded me that I’m not the lone survivor from some devastating accident on Infertility Island, there are plenty of people to survive on the island with. Smart, compassionate, thoughtful people. And those ‘lucky ones’, lounging on the mainland or sailing smooth waters in fertile speed boats…they can help too. They may not understand the island, but they’ll send you care packages when you need them and anxiously await the day you get off the island.
There are not enough ways to write thank you to express how truly thankful I am. So just…thank you, thank you, thank you.
My heart has been heavy with hurt this year, but now, I leave it filled with gratitude, love and a sense of peace. I cannot say it’s been a pleasant experience getting to this place in my life, but I’m thankful that I’m here. I like the version of myself I’ve become this year.
In truth, I have no idea what 2017 is going to bring into my life. I anticipate plenty of challenges (island life is never easy), but I’m happy and I’m hopeful. And I think we could all use some happiness and some hope in 2017.
I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the amazing Neil Gaiman, because…well…words.
“I hope that you will have a wonderful year, that you’ll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.” –Neil Gaiman