Waiting…

I’ve been thinking a lot about waiting lately…thinking about it…and doing it. It’s the trap of infertility, (I think)…your life revolves around waiting…waiting for our second cycle of IVF to start in January, waiting to see how I’ll respond to an ‘aggressive’ stim cycle, waiting to see if in a few months we’ll have a potential family of healthy embryos…or one Warrior again…or none. And always, always, always…waiting for a baby. (I no longer write waiting to be pregnant, as I have in the past, because I now recognize simply being pregnant doesn’t mean much…) We wait so much for the big things, waiting becomes second nature… Sometimes I don’t even realize how much I’m putting my life on hold. I find myself thinking ‘just get through the next 2 months, then you start IVF’ or putting off plans to visit family in Florida because of the cycle or keeping the bonus room empty because a year from now it may be a nursery…

It’s the endless, vicious cycle of infertility…you spend so much time waiting for your life to start…your life with a baby…you wait right through the life you currently have. I fell down that rabbit hole two years ago, I crawled my way out after the miscarriage, and lately I’ve been circling it again…to fall or not to fall?

But, this time I’m making a conscious effort to stay above the surface and enjoy my life right now… even without a baby.

See, remember a few weeks ago I posted about wanting to start a book club? Well I did. And let me tell you we had our first meeting last night and it was perfect. I sat in my new family room with 5 other women and had this really interesting discussion about The Girl on the Train and I felt inspired… Not inspired by the book (Rachel probably should have started a blog about her infertility, she fell real deep into that rabbit hole), but inspired by the fact that for three hours I sat around and felt happy, it felt nice to talk to women who are all in different stages of their adult lives (some married, some with children, some single)…there was this sense (for me) that this is my life right now…and it can still be lovely and happy and fulfilled. Yes, I’m waiting to have a baby, but that doesn’t mean I have to put my life on hold.

So…I’ll read next month’s book- A Man Called Ove.

I’ll try out a new sangria recipe for our next meeting…this month was Apple Cider Sangria, and it was amazing. (I also went big and used some of the Waterford Crystal glasses we got for our wedding, that I’ve used about 4 times over the past 3 years…I’m always afraid one will break. But I’ll be damned if I wait to use the Waterford anymore!)

I’m trying to think of an artistic way to display my love for words around our new home…any tips would be appreciated. (I’m thinking framed quotes, but I need to find a way to write out the quotes, and my handwriting is garbage).

I’ve also been considering adding more of ‘everyday Meghan’ not just ‘gold dress infertile Meghan’ into this blog. I’m not sure yet how I’m going to do that, but I think a way to avoid having my entire life revolve around infertility/waiting is to share more of my life on this blog.

And I’ll enjoy moments. I’ll remember that my life, right now, can be amazing and fulfilling… this is my new life motto:

 “Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” –G. Apollinaire

7 thoughts on “Waiting…

  1. dubliner in deutschland says:

    I wrote a post recently about living in limbo during infertility so I can definitely relate to what you are feeling! That’s great you started a book club. I started one where I live too about a year ago, we meet once every two months and I love it. So many interesting discussions come out of it. We also read Girl on the Train recently. The other women in the group just thought Rachel a really pathetic and weak character. Think I was the only one who felt sympathy for her since I know how crap it is going through infertility and failed IVF.

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    • girlwithagolddress says:

      Everyone in my group thought Rachel was pathetic and weak too (actually we all agreed all the women weren’t ‘strong’ or empowering) I was kind of mixed when it came to Rachel- I mean honestly I could relate to the infertility and how it can make you feel like giving up on every aspect of your life, but I hated that she allowed it to destroy her in so many ways. I wish her character would have been stronger than infertility. What book are you guys reading now? It’s a little tricky trying to find a book everyone can agree on!

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      • dubliner in deutschland says:

        Yea it’s often hard to find a book that everyone is happy to read! Everyone has such different tastes. Right now we are reading “last letter from your lover” by Jojo Moyes and next will probably be “The light between Oceans” which also deals with infertility and loss

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  2. The EcoFeminist says:

    We love to read more about everyday Meghan!!! In my opinion it’s not only healthy for us as the writers but it actually makes blogs more interesting because we get to see the woman more holistically who is going through the challenges of infertility… and shows everyone even more diverse we all are.

    My husband (yes, husband) has since we were dating always made his own greeting cards for me, so last year I got him alphabet stamps from the craft store which look like typewriter font and he loved it… that might be an interesting way to incorporate writing into art in your home. As for me I have a blank Journal where I cut out quotes and photos that inspire me…kind of like a never ending vision board. I actually started it many years ago and found it incomplete about a year ago and decided to start adding to it again, both collaging it from magazines and writing in quotes that I read that meant a lot.

    Bring it on, sista!

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    • girlwithagolddress says:

      Your husband is amazing! I’ll need to look for those stickers!
      I actually have a journal of words too- that is how my WordsWednesday started, because whenever my husband saw me writing in it/or reading from it he would ask “how are the words?” I started it almost 10 years ago-I love looking back into it because its like a time-capsule of what I needed in my life at one time or another…and now I can look back to some quote that resonated with me 7 years ago and still find peace/comfort in it.

      Thanks for the encouragement!! Now I just need to find something interesting in my life to write about!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. ramblesandstruggles says:

    I can empathize hugely with waiting. I love your creative idea of words around the house, if you don’t like your handwriting – you could spell out words with buttons, shells or small things which mean something to you- even ribbon- just some ideas that spring to mind 🙂

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    • girlwithagolddress says:

      Thanks for the ideas!! My husband and I LOVE the beach (so much so that one of our guest bedrooms is nautical themed) I’m going to try and make something with the shell idea work, that’s my favorite!!

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