I’ve been thinking a lot about waiting lately…thinking about it…and doing it. It’s the trap of infertility, (I think)…your life revolves around waiting…waiting for our second cycle of IVF to start in January, waiting to see how I’ll respond to an ‘aggressive’ stim cycle, waiting to see if in a few months we’ll have a potential family of healthy embryos…or one Warrior again…or none. And always, always, always…waiting for a baby. (I no longer write waiting to be pregnant, as I have in the past, because I now recognize simply being pregnant doesn’t mean much…) We wait so much for the big things, waiting becomes second nature… Sometimes I don’t even realize how much I’m putting my life on hold. I find myself thinking ‘just get through the next 2 months, then you start IVF’ or putting off plans to visit family in Florida because of the cycle or keeping the bonus room empty because a year from now it may be a nursery…
It’s the endless, vicious cycle of infertility…you spend so much time waiting for your life to start…your life with a baby…you wait right through the life you currently have. I fell down that rabbit hole two years ago, I crawled my way out after the miscarriage, and lately I’ve been circling it again…to fall or not to fall?
But, this time I’m making a conscious effort to stay above the surface and enjoy my life right now… even without a baby.
See, remember a few weeks ago I posted about wanting to start a book club? Well I did. And let me tell you we had our first meeting last night and it was perfect. I sat in my new family room with 5 other women and had this really interesting discussion about The Girl on the Train and I felt inspired… Not inspired by the book (Rachel probably should have started a blog about her infertility, she fell real deep into that rabbit hole), but inspired by the fact that for three hours I sat around and felt happy, it felt nice to talk to women who are all in different stages of their adult lives (some married, some with children, some single)…there was this sense (for me) that this is my life right now…and it can still be lovely and happy and fulfilled. Yes, I’m waiting to have a baby, but that doesn’t mean I have to put my life on hold.
So…I’ll read next month’s book- A Man Called Ove.
I’ll try out a new sangria recipe for our next meeting…this month was Apple Cider Sangria, and it was amazing. (I also went big and used some of the Waterford Crystal glasses we got for our wedding, that I’ve used about 4 times over the past 3 years…I’m always afraid one will break. But I’ll be damned if I wait to use the Waterford anymore!)
I’m trying to think of an artistic way to display my love for words around our new home…any tips would be appreciated. (I’m thinking framed quotes, but I need to find a way to write out the quotes, and my handwriting is garbage).
I’ve also been considering adding more of ‘everyday Meghan’ not just ‘gold dress infertile Meghan’ into this blog. I’m not sure yet how I’m going to do that, but I think a way to avoid having my entire life revolve around infertility/waiting is to share more of my life on this blog.
And I’ll enjoy moments. I’ll remember that my life, right now, can be amazing and fulfilling… this is my new life motto:
“Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” –G. Apollinaire