So we’re in the process of packing up our condo to prepare for our big move (September 30th cannot come fast enough!) and it’s been an interesting experience. It’s funny the things you find tucked into the ‘junk drawer’ or in the back of the pantry: silly little notes we’d leave on the counter when I was working night shift and we went days without having a real conversation, half a bottle of Baileys from St. Patrick’s day two years ago when it snowed, but we still stood outside at the parade in Hartford for hours, and a broken vase from a kitchen dance session gone awry that Dan’s been promising to fix for 10 months now (he won’t). These little finds make us smile.
But there are the other finds… the ‘picture’ of our Warrior embryo and the one directly after transfer…the pictures my doctor told us would have to go on the first page of the baby book. The positive pregnancy test I kept in my bathroom drawer…because it was so amazing to finally see a + sign. The half used vial of Progesterone and packet of Estrogen patches that I stopped abruptly when they informed me the pregnancy was no longer viable and hormones were no longer necessary. And the even older finds… the notebook that still has the pregnancy announcements I was working on 2 years ago, before SMA, IVF and the miscarriage… back when I was naive and thought my period being 2 weeks late meant I was pregnant (even though 4 pregnancy tests promised me I wasn’t.) The list of baby names tucked in my bedside table, from a time when I assumed Dan and I would have four children (just like our parents had). And of course the gold dress… from when I bought clothes to accommodate a pregnant belly I’ve never had. These little things are scattered all over our condo…a reminder of 2+ years of waiting for a life we don’t have.
It’s therapeutic to be leaving. We came here 2.5 years ago so sure it was going to be the home we bought our babies home to. (We never did get around to decorating the guest room…aka the nursery) We were overjoyed when we moved in and discovered the couple next door had a young son and the couple next to them were getting married in 2 months… I remember saying to Dan how lucky we were we would have friends in the same ‘life phase’ as us… but now the one couple has 2 young sons and the other has a 10 month old…and as much as we like our neighbors (enough so that we’re moving to the same neighborhood as them) they moved forward in life…and we didn’t.
I look around and see the kitchen I danced in when they called and told me I was pregnant, the stairs I cried on when they told me the pregnancy wasn’t progressing and the bathroom floor I laid on as I miscarried our perfect Warrior. There was a lot of happiness in this home, but there was also an unimaginable amount of grief, disappointment and loss. And I’m happy to be leaving those things behind.
Closing the doors to this condo is like closing the doors on this chapter of our life. It was a chapter we never imagined entering into when we moved here. We are leaving this place two entirely different people then we were when we arrived. I am thankful to be moving out, I appreciate the finality of it…the fact that we literally (and figuratively) move on (out) from this time in our life. I’m allowing myself to be sad for a little bit longer about the disappointments and struggles that came our way here. I’m sure over the next 2 weeks I’ll cry a few more times, I’ll struggle to throw away those small reminders of the life we almost had that litter this condo. I’ll also remember how happy we were here, I’ll be grateful for how much stronger our marriage is and thankful that this kitchen is where Dan perfected his shrimp scampi recipe and dance moves! I leave here optimistic about where we’re going…our new home…our new cycle…our new chapter. Here’s to hoping that the bonus room in our new house really does become a nursery!