Sorry I’ve been an absentee blogger lately… I guess in many ways by putting our second round of IVF on hold while we figure our life out has left me with very little to share… which brings me to something I’ve been spending A LOT of time thinking about lately… Why do I feel like without infertility I have nothing? Have I allowed myself to be defined by infertility?
A blogger who I really enjoy following wrote the other day about getting back to herself after infertility/loss she closed her piece with “look for more of me soon…not just the belly.” And I felt like she somehow reached through the computer screen and slapped me…I’ve spent so much of my time focusing on being a mother I forgot to focus on just being a person. (Note: I have absolutely no idea how to link someone’s blog to this post because I basically failed every computer science class I ever took BUT the blogger is TheEcoFeminist.com …and her blog is all things amazing.)
The easy answer to this problem is to get back to me…the hard answer is I don’t really know who ‘I’ am.
See…I never really planned on anything else. And I don’t mean since I was 27 and started trying to have a baby… I mean in general. I was never someone who dreamed of traveling the world, having a successful career or mastering an art. I’ve never wanted to live glamorously in a big city or rough it in a small town in the middle of nowhere. Truthfully, I’ve never really been passionate about anything…except being a mother. I always imagined my life would be simple…I didn’t want to cure diseases or write the next great novel, I just wanted to marry the guy I fell in love with at 19 and have babies. And that might make you think less of me…but that was my big dream. I wanted a small, happy life…and I didn’t get it (yet). And now I’m almost 30 years old and I’m realizing I don’t know who I want to be.
So I made a list of a few things in life I really enjoy…reading a good book, writing this blog, being outside, shopping, musical theater, art.
Not a long list by any means and certainly not anything too impressive, but it’s a small, happy, fulfilled life I seek, remember?
So I’m taking my short list of simple pleasures and I’m working on expanding them:
- Reading a good book…. Starting a book club!
- Writing this blog…writing more!
- Being outside… taking up hiking! (I have a friend helping me this one, she’s an avid hiker and has promised I will find a lot of peace on a mountain top…we’re starting small)
- Shopping…I have a new house to fill with thrift shop finds just waiting for me.
- Musical theater…I live in Connecticut, there’s a ton of local theaters to visit. (It should be noted I have no intention of joining one…my musical theater days peaked as Strawberry Seller#2 in a local production of Oliver!)
- Art…my plan is to take up painting, but we’ll see how that goes.
Sure, I never planned on being almost 30 years old and giving two hoots about hiking or art. At this point in my life I planned on being enrolled in mommy and me music classes and trying to determine if teaching my 14 month old sign language was actually beneficial. But here I am, texting my friends about book clubs and comparing local theater ticket prices. I’m embracing this opportunity to figure out who it is I want to be…because let’s face it ‘infertile’ is a pretty crappy way to define oneself. (I’d much rather be the 30 year old: blog writing, book reading, mountain hiking, picture painting, thrift store junkie, musical theater nerd.)